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Monday, July 26, 2010

From Female Circumcision to Breast Ironing - The Plight of an African Girl

It’s quite amazing, though at times baffling, what some women or ladies would go through in this world to become or remain attractive.

While there’s consensus that a woman must always be beautiful, this beauty of course lies on the eyes of the behold-her. And this beauty is not only measured by facial appearance, but more besides. Right body size, extraordinary body shape, must be curvaceous or hourglass - model-like height, a stylish hair and a drooling ‘chest’ for want of a better word are just but a few of factors to consider when looking for a spouse or girlfriend.

I remember a period when a woman’s hips was the in-thing. I was only in first grade then and from the moment this became an obsession in the world of attractiveness, I started encountering women around the village who had developed big hips overnight!

However, it didn’t take long before word started doing rounds in the village that the owners of these hips had fixed big heaps of cotton wool around this area of interest to give it that extra ammunition.

That was at the start of the millennium. Since then, other issues have arisen and today, most women, if not all, are aspiring to own celebrity and model-like figures which are simply unattainable for most.

God is famed for working in mysterious circumstances. If he gives you a big buxom, he can as well ‘bless’ you with a close to nonexistence bottom. And since he offers no room for negotiation, you are either left to live with it, or consult science to add it to you, of course with side effects.

What if He gives you more than you would have wished for? Do you iron it down?

 

Well, this is what they do in Cameroon, as far as breasts are concerned. For the ignorant, Cameroon is a country of central and western Africa. It boasts of having produced one of the most deadly strikers in world football today in the name of Samuel Eto’o.

Cameroon is in the news for subjecting girls to a very weird and excruciating exercise, in the pretext of cushioning them from being sexually attractive to men at a tender age. A very tender age indeed if 9 years can’t add enough weight to the word am looking for.

It is called breast ironing, a traditional practice perfected in major villages in the country. When the little ones are growing up, the parents “use hot objects to massage (read massacre) their breasts, to press them so that they don’t grow,” as a lady in this video I watched explained to her young students in class.



To the mothers who subject their children to this uncouth painful torture without showing any slight sign of remorse, the route to a girl’s body is their breasts. The bigger the breasts, the more mature and sex-ready a girl seems to be. So in order to protect them from the prying eyes of men and also prevent early pregnancy, their breasts are ironed twice a day and in every two months to prevent them from growing.

Are you still with me?

Saying that the result of this leaves the victim’s breast look like pancake would be an understatement.

I wouldn’t want to start ranting here saying that these mothers are abusing the children, thanks to ignorance and lack of proper education and the social detachment between the government and her people. Or compare this to female genital mutilation. And before you laugh at this, remember that these kids need help and you can’t provide that help by laughing. 

One thing that I know for sure is that my wife wont come from Cameroon. I can’t just imagine being in the company of… May God Bless Africa.

And That’s thesteifmastertake!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

World Cup Tops and Flops, Parrots and Octopus's

So the 2010 World Cup edition is over. Spain are the world Champions, Thomas Mueller got the Golden Boot and best young player awards, Diego Forlan collected the Golden ball, and the ice-cool Iker Casillas won the Golden Glove.

But not everyone won. Some were tops, many were flops. Here’s my list of the best performers in the world Cup tournament and those who should have just sat back and done the cheering. Do you agree? Leave your comments below.

BEST 'JUJU-MAN'
PAUL THE OCTOPUS - Call him Mr. Eight. Eight goals in eight appearances. Eight tackles committed, eight tackles won, eight saves made, eight complete passes made, eight tentacles, but don't ate him. What a perfect score for Paul!

WORST 'JUJUMAN'
MANI THE PARROT - They don't say the octopus is intelligent for nothing. Just eat the parrot now since there's one, and only one undisputed champion in the world of predictions. And it has nothing to do with money, or mani for that matter.

BEST KEEPER
SAN ÍKER CASILLAS FERNÁNDEZ – The La Furoja captain did not only lead his 10 men to lift the world cup trophy but showed the way, making two stunning saves and denying Arjen Robben a double in the cup finale

WORST KEEPER
ROBERT PAUL GREEN – USA’s Most Valuable Player was to the English and the fans, the greenest thing to make it to a world cup match. May be we expected too much from the man wearing green, playing in a green surface and making a green appearance in the world cup with a green name.

BEST DEFENDER
CARLES PUYOL SAFORCADA – The forward-roaming Philip Lahm could easily have claimed my nod for this had he not been kept into his own half against the matador Spaniards in the Semi-finals. Barcelona’s Carles Puyol knocked Germany and Lahm out in the semis with a bullet header. And after a brilliant display in the finals, the full-back deserves to be recognized.

WORST DEFENDER
PATRICE LATYR EVRA – The North Koreans may have let in 7 goals against the Portuguese but they had a fairly good outing for a team returning to the World cup after a 44-year absence. But what happened to 2006 finalists and 1998 Champions in the Les Bleus is beyond understanding. Hence, I pick on Evra. You don’t go to the world cup to ship in goals and lead a rebellious group against your coach. And especially if you are the captain.

BEST MIDFIELDER
ANDRES INIESTA – Pass, pass, pass, pass, and goal. Spain inarguably have the best midfield pack in the planet. Thus, the midfield player of the tournament could have gone to Xavi, Xabi, Busquets and even Fabregas who showed solid performances from the bench. But Iniesta was my man of the match in the finals, hence gets the edge over his teammates.

WORST MIDFIELDER
SANI HARUNA KAITA - His straight red card for kicking out at Vasilas Torosidis in the 33rd minute of Nigeria’s crunch match against the Greek earns him this award.

BEST ATTACKER
DIEGO MARTÍN FORLÁN CORAZO – He did not win the Golden Boot award for nothing. The Atletico Madrid frontman had a vintage tournament from the word go. Scored screamers after screamers and gave nightmares to defenders.

WORST ATTACKER
WAYNE MARK ROONEY – Okay, he did not get enough services from his midfield. Okay, he might have gone to the World Cup feeling tired. But leaving the competition without a goal for a man who scored willingly for Manchester United before breaking for the world cup is inexcusable. Mentioning Nikolas Anelka on this space will be disrespectful for all the great names gracing this article.

BEST MANAGER
JOACHIM "JOGI" LÖEW – Were it not for Paul the Psychic Octopus, Loew and his young team could have reached the world cup finale. But again, were it not for Paul, the Die Mannschaft couldn’t have gone that far. Whichever applies here, Loew has to be credited for leading such a young team to a respectable third in the World cup for the second time in a row, previously as an assistant coach to Jurgen Klinsman in 2006.

WORST MANAGER
RAYMOND DOMENECH – His list of questionable attributes is far-reaching. Why did he refuse to shake hands with Carlos Alberto Parreira after loss to South Africa? Well, because he didn’t attend the world cup in the first place. If anyone sees him, you can show him some finger.

BEST GOAL
CARLOS ALBERTO TÉVEZ - Maxi Rodriguez did it for the Argentines in 2006. This year, it was the turn of the Money-Chester City forward. Will he ever get to hit a better one than that? Giovanni van Bronckhorst’s pile driver is worth mentioning as well as Diego Forlan’s reply in Uruguay versus Netherlands match. But Tevez’s cracker against Mexico at the second time of calling is my pick.

BEST YOUNG PLAYER
ANDRÉ DEDE AYEW - I could go on making a list for this. Germany’s Mesut Ozil and Muller are any bookmaker’s favourite for this award. And rightly so. But I have to give it to 22-year-old Ghanaian midfield whiz ANDRÉ DEDE AYEW. The future is bright for Ghana with this star on their side. If only Roy Hodgson could bring him to Anfield.

WORST YOUNG PLAYER
FABIO CAPELLO – Okay. I know he’s not a player. But by refusing to give his young players a chance to trouble opposition defences, he takes this with him. May be because his name has no Y but O at every end.

WORST MISS
YAKUBU AIYEGBENI – Had Nigeria erected a tree in front of the South Korean goal instead of the Yark, the tree could have easily tapped in that ball for a goal. But instead, Lars Lagerback decided to use a Yark. Yark!!

WORST DECISION
Don’t we all know that goal that never crossed the line in USA versus England match?

WORST TEAM
ENGLAND, FRANCE, ITALY – It was a tale of one team which had no confidence, the other too rebellious and the other too old to kick a ball to save their lives.

BEST TEAM
SPAIN – Hail el Campeons!! What a dazzling generation of players!!

And That's thesteifmastertake!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Let Paul the Octopus Decide Whether He Wants to Live

If Adolf Hitler was told he was going to die before July 14 2010 (when Spain played Germany in the 2010 World Cup semi-finals), his last wish could have been to be served with a plate of grilled octopus. Paul the Octopus to be precise.

After all, the two-year-old German cephalopod is what denied his country folks their fourth world cup trophy, by predicting that Spain would beat Germany in the semi-finals. And this came to pass, to the chagrin of many Deutsche citizens. But this right prediction proved to be a wrong move for the octopus. It has now become the most endangered specie on planet earth and death threats are raining in faster than the goals the Germans scored against Saudi Arabia in the 2006 World Cup.

'Throw it in the frying pan', 'cut him in thin slices', 'delicious, octopus soup', 'throw him in the shark tank' are the screams people are making as they bay for the flesh of poor Paul.

A number of people however are pleading to German fans to give Paul one more chance to put things right. Spanish Prime Minister Jose Zapatero has even gone to the extent of offering Weymouth-born octopus state protection after his country became the second, after Serbia, to benefit from amigo Paul, who rightly predicted the Germans would lose against the two opponents.

"I am concerned for the octopus ... I am thinking of sending him a protective team," Zapatero said in an interview with German TV. I can only imagine how much a dish of Paul the Octopus would fetch. And who knows, may be, those who get the opportunity to dine on this creature may just genetically inherit some of his characteristics.

But now, the big question is, should Paul be on the menu after 'betraying' Berlin? I say, we should let him choose.

The aquarium workers should repeat the whole process. That is, lower two containers holding food into his tank. Each should contain symbols for death and life - a human skull and a vanita. If he eats from the container symbolizing death, I wont mind being the first to offer my services of at least throwing it in the frying pan. In fact af this point, it would already be a retard. A minute of silence should then be observed in honour of the specie should this legend depart the world of football.

If he eats from the container symbolizing life, he should live and be protected by every marine and endangered specie international bodies known to man. His life should be prolonged beyond the maximum five-year life expectancy by the doctors who should undertake this as an absolute obligation.

But in the meantime, the La Furia Roja can also help the eight-limbed oracle. How about they secure restraint papers from International Criminal Court at The Hague warning the German public to restrain from issuing death threats to their amigo? Or process his travel documents via the Spanish embassy in Germany and put him on the earliest flight from western German city of Oberhausen where he now stays to the city of Salamanca in western Spain. 

And before the Germans decide to throw him on the frying pan or barbecue him, they should not forget that the qualifiers for Euro 2012 are just some few months away. If they are that shortsighted, they should go ahead and make a meal out of the poor thing. If they are not, then they should realize that he will come in handy in the not so distant future.

Oracle Octopus Predicts Spain Delight
Meanwhile, the octopus has predicted that Spain will triumph over the Dutch in the finals to be played on Sunday. Maybe he's rewarding the Spanish citizenry for showing so much love for him. From Spanish Prime Minister Zapatero to the nation's environment minister Elena Espinosa who said he will be asking EU for a fishing ban on Paul the octopus to La Roja's famous chef José Andrés who took off the octopus from all his menus, the Spaniards have all but shown mad love for the cephalopod.

Does this mean that the Dutch leaving just in the west of Germany will also start issuing their own death threats to the octopus? Oh poor Paul. Will you live to see remaining length of this World Cup or any future competitions?

And that's thesteifmastertake!!