What Kenyans Do on the Internet

Kenya is ranked as one of the top ten Internet users in Africa. Slightly over 5% of the country’s nearly 39 million people access the Internet on a daily basis. But have you ever wondered what these 2 million people do on the Internet? I pitched this question to Atuech, and porn was the first word to come out of her lips.

While this cannot be said as to having an absolute element of truth, dismissing it entirely would fork out an element of naivety since these PG-rated (if parents are allowed to guide) websites are the easiest to access with the slightest of intention, or even lack of it.

Some people eke out a living through the Internet while newspaper and magazine owners need to be online for the sake of survival. Then there’s the group of Social Networking. I don’t know how many comes to your mind but Facebook is the undisputed champion here, at least in terms of real networking.

The most popular sites in Kenya is believed to be Facebook, Yahoo, Google Kenya, Google, Wikipedia, YouTube, RapidShare, Blogger.com, Twitter, Wordpress, LinkedIn, news sites like the Daily Nation, Capital FM, BBC and the Standard among others.

The YouTube video below has especially been doing rounds on Facebook…

But my interest today is the numero uno social utility: Facebook. Radios and TVs are advertising Facebook, so are mobile companies like Safaricom. Kenyans use Facebook for chatting, sharing pictures and of course updating their status and commenting on their friends’.

However, I have come to learn that there’s something else that’s creeping in: Mchongoanoz, ribcracking jokes for lack of a befitting English word. I have stumbled across quite a number across the Kenyan Facebook users community and would like to share them below. You can drop in a few in the comments section if you like.

Please don’t take them personal and I pledge to translate to our non-Swahili/Sheng speakers should I get a lot of interest. Keep your rib cracking.

Here we goooo…

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…

1.    Una haga ndogo ukiinama mwenye ako nyuma yako anadhani unamwambia agote
2.    Ati grandmatha yako ni mzee ako na profile pic ya noah
3.    TV yenu ni small hadi Swaleh Mdoe huingia ki gully creepa.!!!!!!!!!!
4.    We ni mshamba mpaka ukibuy smokie" unaenda kuikulia "smoking zone"
5.    We ni fala mpaka unaulizanga mbona central bank haina branches kwa tao zingine ka equity bank
6.    Kwenyu ni maskini hata kutoa jasho mnatoa in installments.
7.    We n mblak ukipigwa picha camera inaread 'file format unknown'
8.    Kwenyu insecurity iko high til dogi za mtaani zinatembea mbili mbili
9.    Kwenyu nyi ni mamsoto design ile siku ma dingo walikam,walitoka tu na experience...
10.    We ni mrefu mpaka una segments kama miwa....
11.    Ati dem wa Edu ni mkonde hadi akim-hug wasee wanasema 'manze umevaa tai kubwa'
12.    Eti wewe ni mzee hadi gover ilikuyangaya ID card
13.    Gari yenu imezeeka hadi ikigonga bump...mnashuka kupanga viti..
14.    We ni fala mpaka siku ya kwanza. ulinunua gazeti ulicover.
15.    Mbwa yenyu ni kali eti ikikimbiza mwizi inafika kwa fence then inamtemea mate.
16.    Kwenyu mko wengi mbaka mlango ya keja yenyu ikifunguliwa ngware.....,mnamwagika
17.    Siz wako ana maskio bigi mpaka alipozaliwa alishikwa ka trophy.
18.    Ati wewe ni danda hadi slippers zako zimeandikwa.."VAA HAPA"
19.    Some bedsheets zina flowers,athaz zina teddybears na athaz r jst plain simple...bt zenyu are  special coz in da middle zimechorwa "USIKOJOE HAPA"
20.    Wee ni fala hdi uliona sausage ukaxema unataka ile mutura safi!
21.    Wee ni mlafi hadi ushameza adams apple yako....
22.    Ati nyinyi ni masonko u hav 2 swimming pools of which one is empty for those pple who cnt swim.
23.    Kwenyu ni kuchafu design mse akianguka,anasimama kama ameshakua chokoraa....
24.    Shosho wenu ni mchafu hadi akinyamba,ananyamba takataka
25.    Una jicho kubwa hadi pupil imeupgrade ikakuwa student

Need a Break? Check out this other YouTube Video:

26.    Dame yako ni mnono hadi akikutumia 'friend request' kwa facebook, inakuja kama GROUP INVITATION!!
27.    Bado Yusuf ndo ana kichwa bigi akitoka nje kunakuwa na Eclipse
28.    Wewe ni mchoyo hadi unamezanga piriton kwanza b4 ukule ati ndio minyoo zilale kwanza.
29.    Ati tanya ni mnono mpaka akikalia novel inakuwa short story
30.    Una kisogo refu kinyozi hunyoa na sharpener ya pencil
31.    Una mapimples mob hadi ukichukuliwa photo inajiandika join the dots
32.    Mikono zako ni ngumu ukidara manzi yako anasema…acha kunikanyaga!
33.    Mko na gari nzee mpaka mkipark tao watu wanaisurround wakidhani ni accident
34.    We umesota mpaka ukieka bamba 100 4one yako inasema credit memory full
35.    Una mkono hard hadi ukiwa karibu na comp inaread "found new hardware..!"
36.    Wee ni mjinga hadi sunday skul ulienda boarding
37.    Phone yako ikilia inajipanguza machozi..
38.    Umekonda mpaka ukiingia baby clas watoi wanashout one.
39.    We mzee mpaka line ya rasa yako imefade..
40.    We ni mweusi mpaka hauwezi toa bright ideas
41.    Phone yako ni mzee hadi bluetooth yake ina mapengo!
42.    We ni mslow hadi hauwezi kula fast foods.
43.    Kichwa ndogo mpaka huwezi change mind.
44.    We unapenda reggae mpaka we hushuta buo buo buo
45.    We mchoyo mpaka ukishuta unataka unuse peke yako
46.    Phone zenu ni mzee hadi Snake ilidie!
47.    We ni mslim hadi ukivaa tisho ya green wasee ukitokea wanasema cheki sim card ya safkom
48.    Wewe ni mlafi mpaka ukimaliza kuvuta sigara unalamba vidole
49.    Paka yenyu imecheki movie mob mpaka ikiona panya inanyemelea ikisema ” tereng tereng….”
50.    We ni mnono hadi ukikanyaga mkate inamwaga supu

And That's thesteifmastertake!!