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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Arunga "Denies" Being a Finger of God-er

Latest reports indicate that Atuech, a former Finger of God-er for those who don't know, has been watching, you guessed it, Quincy Timberlake!! on YouTube! Now, I don't know what to make of this but only to feel sorry (a little) for my dear dearer colleague. Am also feeling that my personal security is now under threat or increasingly becoming compromised in her presence. I think her mind has officially been recruited and deeply entrenched into this whole cult thing. Though I have not bothered to check in and confirm or not about the alleged presence of Quincy in Atuech's room, some jazz-like sound has been dominating the air for quite some time since she settled in front of her Macintosh. Some Hellon jazz-like tunes. To be precise.

I have to admit the tunes are quite entertaining. Period.

Am really getting worried now. I think I should take a short leave until the last remaining nail of this finger is gotten rid of. As for Atuech, we need to save her from this psychological and perhaps, emotional distress (she just told me a lot happens in the evening, the fingers can point anywhere). Who knows what kind of faith-based che-men-stry she has/had with King Quincy? Atuech needs a psychiatrist as much as I do need to get the hell out of her touching distance.

And Esther.

I wouldn't be surprised if this former TV Kingcy were to come out with her sweet vocals blazing hot and start such a long narration on what went wrong.

I quote. I would like to categorically deny that at any point in time was I part of the outlawed, ridiculous, anti-God, and unlawful Finger of God mafia group. This has all been a politically motivated propaganda and smear campaign orchestrated and fully funded by my political detractors who are already sweating on their panties at the thought of me being at the helm and are hell bent on blackening my authentic reputation, rubbing me on the wrong side and portraying me as a  rebel in the eyes of my right-thinking a million plus supporters nationwide.

I would also like to state in the strongest words that can possibly be whacked out of the Oxford lexicon that the reports circulating in media that I will vie for Vice-Presidential seat come 2010 are premature, fallacious, mendacious, in bad state, ill-conceived and ill-motivated, besides being a fabrication of the truth. If only I had the chums to sue all of the media houses and the gutter press in this country. Nkt!!

However. However. I would like to officially announce that I will take a stab and win the parliamentary seat for Langata constituency come 2012 or before. If I fail, I will vie for the same position in 2017 but in Othaya constituency and win and become the youngest MP in the whole worl... Kenya.

In the meantime, I would want to urge my political detractors, the likes of NPC, NCCK, Holy Family Basilica, NHIF, JIAM, FPE, and others to stop cheap and malicious politicking and focus on development issues as well as ensure that our sovereign nation finally gets a new constitution. Just to add on that, the chapter in the constitution that says "there's freedom to worship" should be underlined, bold and in caps for all the obvious reasons.

Finally, I would want to elaborate that the Finger of God, or whatever that thing is called, is a cult. I deeply regret ever being part of it and ask for pardon as a result of the incommensurate and irrational behaviour that I exuded when the nail of the finger was cut off. Somewhat.

I also declare that I would return to reading news just in time, but not before Tiger Woods returns to playing golf. Tiger is such a sinner and he needs to be baptized by the House of Yahweh.

Final Finally, I encourage Atuech and like-minded former Finger of God-ers to come out strong that together we shun this phantom of mysterious and controversial fingers. It has emerged obvious that there's only one part of God's body that should be referred to, and that happens to be... well, apparently it's not the finger.

Last but not least, I extend my olive branch of apologies to my former colleagues and employers. I really miss my job already and would like to call upon any would-be employers not to shy away from looking at my UPDATED CV (which has no word of a finger), or visit my website at tingsagwan_nolongerafinger@kenya"churches".com.

And more final than finally, I appeal to all my fellow members of the fourth-state not to misquote me and catapult this friendly tittle-tattle into a slanderous chit-chat.

Did I mention that I have formed a committee of experts to investigate, audit, suspend, re-audit, and un-suspend the organizers who led to the cancellation of my planned wedding with him.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time. You are all invited for this evening's praise and worship service at the fi... forget it!!

End of Quote.

And That's theSteifmastertake!!