A Cult Worth Joining

Everyone must have enthusiastically watched Joseph Hellon's interview with All Koinange All the Time on K24 on Thursday just before the 9 O'clock news. And boy did this cloned priest amaze. From his second-to-PLO articulacy to his second-to-none buoyancy, from his tactful approach to questions to his sheer outspokenness, the now infamous saxophonist was such a 'good grief' as Jeff would call it.

He never struggled to answer any questions and although he must have left many other queries unattended to, he seemed like he had the book of Genesis to Revelations firmly implanted in his medulla. His audacious nature even pushed him to the boundaries of challenging our Ps (pastors, priests, popes prophets, prophetesses), apostles, cardinals and archbishops for a Bible tug of war. Cardinal Njue and Archbishop Raphael S. Ndingi Mwana'a Nzeki must be wondering where they went wrong on Bible study. I advise them and our other holier than thou brethren to enroll for Bible study classes ASAP. They really need it. And the sooner the better.

About his ambitions, political ones, this guy will have to wait. We hear so much about Presidents in waiting. But President Hellon, Vice President Esther and Prime Minister Quincy will reeaaallly, have to wait. But may be not. Hellon must be one of those few individuals in this country who are saluting everything happening within the political spheres. He salutes the coalition government, the PM and President's shoddy-like work, the MPs et all. Is this a strategy to woe the wazees and other political sycophants to his Finger of God political party? Time will tell.

Woe unto you if you happened to be Hellon's friend on Facebook before he unleashed his finger. Did I hear him compare those who suddenly removed him from their friends' list to a vomit.

But why won't Esther Arunga speak to her Father who art in Earth? Why won't she even hallow his phone? Is she not willing to forgive him (Hellon) for trespassing in their marriage? Is she trying to deliver herself from the Finger of God evil, and finally dine with her fingers in the true Kingdom of God?

As Prophet Hellon left the Bench, he never answered any of the afore-raised questions. As he was on the bench, he said something that surely would make Esther delete his number from her phone. What? Simple.

This guy went LIVE on national TV and not only revealed, but Emphasized that Esther is 29 years old, almost nearing 30. Now now, we know that most of these media queens remain 24 years in the first five years, or more, of their contract with a media station. Esther had/has not stayed for that long at KTN damn it!! He also had the guts to call Esther a grown up woman for God's sake, while he should instead have referred to her as a growing lady. Why didn't he read between the lines and does he need a PR firm to sieve and let him know what can be said of a TV queen's true age, especially on national television?

I understand why you won't pick that call Esther. The psychiatrist is doing his/her job.

Away with the Fingers of God though. Let's talk serious matters now. I love this part...

An emerging religious cult group calling itself "Choma" is reported to be deeply frying humans and attracting customers in Western Kenya and Eastern Uganda. Stop drooling you Nyama choma lover! You are in trouble.

This new group should worry you all nyama choma, finger choma, kuku choma, manzi choma and all choma choma revelers. Even those users of joma cooking fat should be worried about this cult group. The police are coming for you. 

But in the meantime, if you love Choma and won't sacrifice anything for it, you are cordially invited to join Choma Religious (in quotations) group. I would have loved to be part of this. It is surely worth joining. Unfortunately, I'm working on a new church called; Thigh of Jesus.

Am recruiting members from all spheres and boundaries of this country. The boundaries are not clearly defined as of now as am also waiting for the boundaries report from the boundaries commission. And you don't have to worry about its legality. All the necessary bureaucracies have been followed, so has the unnecessary auditing and re-auditing. And I have a certificate of registration, a valid one, from the cult-est of them all; the House of Yahweh.

The aim of this Church will be to help me launch my toothless, useless, pointless, purposeless and nonsensical political ambitions. After all, I will not be the first Pastor to contest for a space at the Shangri-la. Pastor Pius tried, and lost.

Who am I to... win.

Religious leaders say there are over 50 cult groups operating all over the country. Most of these cults specialize in brainwashing and mind control and exploit their followers by foretelling their future and letting them know what curse would befall them if they don’t abide by what they are being taught.

In a worrying trend, most Kenyans are increasingly becoming victims, a scenario which methinks can be attributed to a growing feel of desperation. With tribal politics, corruption, failing leadership and poverty dominating the air, most Kenyans are now turning to the Church, any Church, in their pursuit of getting at least some comfort.

So desperate is the situation that in the course of this week, hundreds of Kenyans in Nakuru (about 157km from Nairobi) have been praying for the resurrection of two pastors who died on Monday, February 15, when a car they were driving in hit a culvert. Never mind one of the pastors was pronounced dead on his arrival at the hospital, while the other passed away while receiving treatment.

With savvy political leadership wanting and the Church also failing credibility test, one never fails to wonder where Kenyans will turn to. But they need to turn, anyway.

And That's thesteifmastertake!!