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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Placenta Party of Kenya's Political Dreams Realistic

Did I hear right that Esther Adongo is seeking compensation totaling to an astronomical 330 million shillings from her family, some Mr. Njenga and the media for wrongful detention, defamation, being kept comatose, sedation and whatnots?

While this sounds like a long shot, a very long one indeed (I don't think the Kenyan court can give out such a claim) it just serves to prove that our lady is quite ambitious, if not over, and perhaps extravagant in her mind.

But assuming the gods and odds are not stacked against her and she even gets half of that ransom+bountry+G4S-like money, Esther and her Placenta (keep on chuckling at this name, I don't know why) Party of Kenya's political dreams and aspirations may as well be quite realistic.

If there's one thing Kenyans excel at, it must be forgetting, and boy are we good at that. Kenyans tend to give a better performance at forgetting, granted that you can put a plate of sour Omena on their table, or just a few in-the-long-term useless coins in their bribe-prone shallow pockets.

And this is where the ahm.. Placenta Party of Kenya's conceivably empty political debes could suddenly turn into a gold mine. They can bank on the forgetful voter, by playing the bribe 'em game. As simple as knowing that some people in this country have gone mad.

Although, realistically, the highest amount the knockout may get out of the corridors of justice-for-the-big-fish, injustice-for-the-small-ones would be utmost Sh5 million, lets just work with assumptions.

With more than just anecdotal evidence, lets assume she gets half of what she's yearning for. A simple back of the envelope calculation shows the figures of 165 million shillings. A decent amount, considering that you can bribe close to the likely 15 million Kenyan voters with 10 million each and still remain with, well, a decent amount. This remainder can then be used to fly in the clones of Larry King and Sarah Palin (remember them?), proving all the right doubters wrong. A part of it may also be used to pay Synovate, Strategic PR and Infotrak Harris so that PPK be included in the opinion polls.

Such an amount would no doubt also make Adongo and co be taken seriously, and seasonal politicians quake in their boots. Personally, I wouldn't mind being the campaign manager, as long as am not given a name like Oesophagus Nebula Insanity II.

But such a bribing-frenzy would be quite unnecessary, especially to a group which has done enough to sow a bad reputation and amass negative publicity. Besides, our political analysts are always there wearing glasses and sitting in front of intimidatingly big books as they give mendacious analysis on how the political game is going to draw or score out. 

When, you bribe the voters - analysts excluded - they would always cast spells of unfavourable reviews on your side. But as we have seen of late, PPK is a party that never settles for less. Kenya's political analysts are less. So why not hire, or get for free, renowned political analyst Paul Green, Ph.D, to discuss about their political chances? Venue? Their Runda home.

Besides, such a high number of bribery would make Ranneberger run to his house and call White House and Britain with reports of impunity. He would then hang up, only for Obama to call back and say he's tired and would like to take a trip to Nebula.

But even if all this happens, the Placenta Party of Kenya would have still won because of a simple reason. The bribed Kenyans would have voted them in - anyway.

But having finished galloping the bribes and washed their hands at it, Kenyans would have started calling unto the new government (PPK) to curb corruption at the exchequer, ban pyramid schemes which have made many lose their fingers in the hope of getting... more fingers,  compel NASA to bring back faithful who flew to Nebula to continue praying for the resurrection of the two Nakuru pastors, recall all vehicles without the registration numbers: PPK Arunga na Hellon Crazy? since they are faulty, and also address issues common to the common Mwananchi like releasing academic results of students who cheated in the very hard examinations and sack that errant minister whose wife bought all the maize the country has from the NCPB, such that the only food available to Kenyans is that yellow emaciated camel harvested from Mandera in North Eastern province.

I wonder what's next for these guys. Blame it on the perennial traffic jam in the country which seems to hold up everything. Plus, Esther looks a little bit ill. It's hence common knowledge that she shouldn't be baptized right now, lest the placenta fail to take up nutrients.

Actually, I know what's next. Yeah. Adongo's political names. I won't start guessing because I don't have space to accommodate names like... put your suggestions under the comments section.

If these new breed of politicians are "crazy" how "crazier" can they get? And if they are not...

The placenta is an organ (party) that connects the developing fetus (Kenyans) to the uterine (craziness) wall to allow nutrient (sound mind) uptake, waste (conscience) elimination and gas (insanity) exchange via the mother's (Finger of God's) blood supply.                     Source: Mimipedia

And Thats thesteifmastertake!!