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Friday, March 12, 2010

What if Hellon is a True Disciple Being Persecuted?

The Holy Book talks so much about the second coming of Jesus Christ. So much so that people seem to have completely forgotten the stress and anguish that the only movie-like star known to man - who starred in a long series and eventually succumbed at the hands of the killer/s – undergone in his days on earth. But in spite of having the knowledge that this man was not welcomed on Earth before, we still expect him to fly back, carry our bondage and take us to a land that has neither been promised nor identified yet. We still expect him to come back and be investigated by FBI and get whipped by the GSU.

Everyone who believes in the Christian faith, both sinners and the pure in heart, look forward to the coming down of this man from that imaginary place we all like but even Pope John never wished to go to that soon. Heaven. But there’s something else many people are either oblivious of, or they simply overlook it.

Before Jesus was born of the lovely, professional, Guinness Book of Records, Hall of Virginity inducted Virgin Mary, prophets like Moses and Elijah, apostles like Paul (Patni?), martyrs like Stephen (Ayoo or whatever the second name was), and professional baptizers like John (Dr Owour) the Baptist were all dumped into the earth in slum-like conditions like Dandora to reportedly prepare the way, spread the full red carpet (not half) and provide the necessary mobile lavatories – to ensure Iko toilet – for the Holiest son of man ever.

Whether they succeeded in their duties or not is an issue that can only be addressed by the then Head of Public Service. But the man came anyway.

So before we can expect this man to set his feet again in this cursed and increasingly murkier land, we need some people, disciples or apostles of sort to prepare the route and do a better job than Francis Mathaura and the Mombasa DC did when Raila went calling at the coastal town.

Which begs the question. Who are these new breed of disciples who are ready to put all that investment, go through all that trouble, criticism, false accusations, negative publicity et all in their obstinate quest to beautify and prepare the cleanest, most tranquil and astute way for Jesus before he pays us a visit? I mean build a paradise where he can relax with dinner by the beach, or in one of the exceptional restaurants painted with brilliant, invigorating aromatic flowers trying to outdo the other in colour and design. I mean a Shangri-la of random perfection and maximum beauty, like a fabulous necklace of topaz, emerald and turquoise in a setting of silver with perfect peace. I mean a place where he can watch the game (the beautiful one or Big Five) aboard a jacuzzi, while calmly sipping on his cappuccino or cocktail of fruits, which have not been picked, but chosen. I mean a place where he would slide from his bed suspended in mid-air look outside the window and have the finest view of the early exquisite morning sunlight perambulating across the equally virtuoso African sky. I mean a place where every step he takes along the eucalyptus tree-lined streets, is marked with importance  and vavavoom, confetti falling from the sky, oomph and circumstance. I mean… a place where he would nod to every finger that comes out of exploring the soup on his plate to his mouth and… I mean, all that and many more.

And all this will be happening in Kenya. Don’t we all know that in spite of all the grand corruption, Kenya is the chosen nation in this world? So it goes without saying that God and Jesus have reached a consensus and the second-in-command man has been advised to land in Kenya for a treat, and just traverse through other cities in his way back to Heaven.

But who are these disciples?

Look no further. Believe it or not, the Finger of God may just be one of those appointed and anointed taskforces which the man living in hiding is willing to pick at least one disciple from. And with affirmative action and gender equality one of the main things of this 21st Century, there of course has to be a woman in the mix. Lest there be a chapatti strike. I know many men wouldn’t want to be taken out of the woods this soon.

But a hack of the password into God’s iMac reveals to me a worrying trend. Many of the disciples, apostles and teachers back in the days who dared to provide free education to the public on the need to worship the one and only God were gotten rid of at the earliest, most opportune and un-Hague-like manner.

We read of crimes against humanity and gross human rights violations like stones being pelted onto someone in them days. The name Stephen is actually synonymous with stones. We read about some disciples who died in unforgiving environment like North Eastern and some others being fed to the Lions of Maasai Mara. All these because of rebuff. Yes we rejected those who prepared the way for the coming of Jesus. And now we are rejecting some of people who are either predicting the re-coming, foreseeing end times, or claiming they have been sent by God.

So what if…

What if Hellon is right good people. What if it is through his loathed FoG church and laughed at Placenta Party of Kenya outfit, that God (who has the reputation of working in mysterious circumstances) is using to prepare way for the coming of Jesus? What if God is bringing the salvation that this country desperately needs through FoG?

And what if, folks, the same God, through his other previous brilliant works of art like Tom Mboya and J.M. Kariuki, has appointed Hellon and crew to bring change that this country craves for? What if Vedetis Supanova is one of those disciples who are preparing the way for the coming of the most superior VEDETIS SUPANOVA?

What if he is Je… Blasphemy!! Joseph Hellon can never be a Jesus. A Jesus who has even spent a better part of his life at backstreet would do much better than urging his flocks to take more wine than water, and then drive at it.

What if these people who have faced all that ridicule at the hands of the public have been sent to this world for a special mission?

What if these people are the disciples of the 21st century people!!

If they are not, then for all the people whose list of 2010 resolutions includes helping someone, forget about the form four leavers who need financial help for them to be able to pursue their Bachelors Degree in Biblical science. Forget about Mau which needs trees. Forget about Prime Minister Raila Odinga who needs a full carpet, or Simon Mbugua who needs proper battering. Forget about wasting your idle street-demonstration-energy in defending your tribal kinsman, whether Sam Ongeri who has oversaw Free Primary Education funds go on a safari, never to come back, or even maize-crushing William Ruto who knows that too much grain is healthy for the body, or even Musalia Mudavadi who perhaps knows that the dead are, especially rich. Forget about them.

These are the people who need our help.

Even if their bodies are so humongous and stalwart like the former Nakumatt Thika Road, we shall hire bulldozers and earthmovers from Israel, or borrow earthquake from Haiti. If their desires are so pertinacious like the pirates of Somalia, we shall hire Bainbridge from the US. If their brains are so hard-lined, we shall seek quintessential negotiation skills of the one and only jab, Koffi Annan. If their case is too tricky to tackle, we shall either take them to Hague, or form a committee of experts to interdict, investigate, audit and re-audit then burn the findings in a fictitious inferno. And if their hearts and souls are hard to change, we shall call Brother Obama to launch a massive “Yes We Can” campaign. And if their faith is so convoluted to reallocate, we shall brand Zuma (Quincy) and Hellon as gay persons, and Esther and Wakikuyu as lesbians, transport them to Malindi, alert the residents about a planned wedding, move the resources (stones) near Wananchi, sit back and watch the events that follow. After all, it would be a nice way to die. A martyr.

And after their ascension to heaven or hell - whichever comes first – and it emerges that these guys were right and truly the sons and daughters of Him, we wouldn’t have to wait for their second coming. We shall exhume the bodies, put them in white caskets, request the department of registration to provide that ID Card passport photograph, transport the bodies to Nakuru, seek the services of Kingdom Seekers Fellowship, and wait for our Finger of God-ers to prove that Lazarus might have been the first one to resurrect, but he will not be the last one.

Did I hear someone say Amen! God Bless Kenya.

And That’s thesteifmasterake!!